it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
