You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
