did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize