Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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