You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
