woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
