mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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