your thong is hanging out like whoa
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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