it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
