Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
