apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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