you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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