you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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