gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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