dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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