I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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