A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
