I hate all girls vehemently.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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