I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize