did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize