she woke up with a sticky ear
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
