Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
