I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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