he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
