i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
this hospital has no fireball
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize