i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
