so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
