You smell like stripper and shame
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
