I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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