some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
