if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
vagina is talking i cant
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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