I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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