How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
