It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
