I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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