i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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