im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
