Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize