Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
