I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
