my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
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