You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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