she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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