Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
