Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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