Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
