Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
