And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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