Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize