There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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