so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
