You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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