ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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