the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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