i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
