I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
