remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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