I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize
