i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
