see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
