i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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