the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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