Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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