I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
